Chocolate Avalanche, New York

 How appropriate that just about 10 years later, I would find old writing with a cup of coffee still in hand. 

10 years

3 dogs

1 child

1 divorce

6 moves

4 cities

1 partner

I often have a desire to write, to process experiences through adjectives, similes, and metaphors, to find the symbolism and over analyze, yet I have also avoided it because of fear. Ten years ago I was evading the trauma that was ironically, 20 years in the making. I thought an escape through marriage to a foreign city would allow me to reinvent myself and become "ok" and "fine."  Clearly this was not the case.  

Turns out, I was and often still am afraid to just be me because I don't know who I am, and I fear the rejection that comes with being me. 

Recently my child was looking through the few items still left in my childhood bedroom that were actually mine.  She found a skull and bones necklace, which she quickly claimed as her own and proudly wears with every outfit.  Later in the day, we visited my partner's mom, whom A proudly showed off her newfound necklace.  

"Oh, that must have been from your goth phase."

Actually, I had a pirate phase.  

A long ago dream of sailing the ocean blue,

                    with confidence and strength,

                            nautical knowledge and a strong desire for adventure,

                                    the ability to deftly maneuver the sails, anticipate the rolling waves.

Community Coffee: French Vanilla Roast

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
                                 Helen Keller

Welcome to the second love of my life...Juno!  She is the sweetest baby I know next to my dearest Cookie Monster.  Chris has most fortunately returned from Iraq much earlier than expected, so we are back in El Paso muddling through life and cleaning up way too much dog urine.  

Since graduating and receiving my teacher certificates, I have yet to find a job.  This challenge leaves me constantly stressed and frustrated, but also brings me closer to God.  I like that we live relatively far from base because it guarantees me enough time to pray and focus on God while driving.  Speaking of, God blessed me with a car!  I no longer have to depend on Chris and his work schedule to go anywhere and continue on my job hunt.  

Lent will be arriving soon.  Time just seems to fly by right now.  I'm still contemplating what I will do for Lent to bring me closer to God and find that inner joy that sustains my life.  I do not just want to give something up, but give back to the community.  One of the biggest challenges I face with Chris is our different views on religion.  I try not to define my relationship with God through religion.  Catholicism is one way stay connected with my Father, however my relationship is personal.  Chris and I were talking about the health bill Obama wants to pass.  This bill requires all employers to provide health insurance that covers abortion and contraceptives.  How can the Catholic church be expected to provide healthcare that directly conflicts laws?  Although I do not believe in abortion, I believe that each decision is between God and that woman.  It was an interesting conversation that really made me love him more, if that's even possible.  We also discussed confession.  The great debate that Chris believes is a terrible concept.  I tried to explain to Chris the purpose of confession through my understanding.  Telling a priest, hopefully the most upstanding moral person within the community how you have sinned (rather intentionally or not) simply keeps accountability. Yes, you should and have probably talked to directly to God about it, but having to tell someone else who can also intercede on your behalf, (kind of like Jesus did for our sins) really makes the act of Forgiveness huge and meaningful.  It's not a requirement, but it's there for those of us that need that extra push and maybe a kick in the butt to fix ourselves.   

Anyways, basically my life is slowly coming together, as our apartment.  We really have so much to be thankful for in that we have furniture, vehicles and money in our bank account to sustain our lives.  

Grande Iced Coffee with Hazelnut

To think that I have already failed at regularly blogging should not surprise me and yet I'm slightly disappointed.  Life happens, though and it's only when I need time to think and contemplate that I find myself in need of writing most.

Where is my life at the moment?

- Chris called this morning and we talked for what seemed like seconds.  I think he found it amusing that I was falling all over the place trying to get myself together on my way to school.  I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen him.  I miss him terribly, but I try to distract myself with school and work.  So far it's been working, but I don't like being so busy when he is available!

- School owns my soul.  Usually I say that it's the government, but not this week. My fourth graders are fabulous!  Challenging, but within the first week I was able to learn all 52 of my students' names.  I love that I not only know their names, but I can identify one or two things about each student which makes them unique in my mind.

- Teaching is more than "being the boss" it's really being a leader.  I look at my mentor teacher and I see a person who's leading her students to learning, but not telling them.  I love the hands-on activities and constantly ensuing this energy that shows fun and a genuine interest in the academic welfare of the students.

Starbucks and I have become semi-distant friends which has been wonderful for our checking account.  I try to force myself to wake up extra early to get my life together and always be at school before my teacher.  Those few moments of silence in the morning makes all the difference.

French Vanilla Roast

So, my past two blogs epitomized the depression and struggles I have dealt with since before I can remember.  Even in journals and diaries I owned at age seven described my depressive states and negative perspective on life.

Finally, I deleted them and burned the physical ones.

To say that I have recovered isn't entirely accurate, but rather that I have learned how to manage both what is biological and environmental.  I feel like I am in an incredibly awkward stage of life with a barely discernible line between adulthood and college life.

One of my favorite photos so far!

Chris and I were married in June and since then life has been nonstop!  This transition phase in El Paso has definitely brought us closer, but also revealed that no matter how much you love someone, they can still be difficult to live with...at times. Anyways, while Chris is in Iraq I intend to create a Bucket List for El Paso of things we should do when we reunite in this strange city in a year.

For the wedding, Darienne bought me a coffee grinder!  I love have freshly ground coffee every morning.  Chris doesn't drink coffee and the initial beans I bought were a dark roast (I'm not really a fan, either) with a strong odor that was not very pleasing.  After forcing myself to finish that bag I purchased the french vanilla flavor and medium roast.  Sooo much better!

Yum!